The Literary Smut Paradigm
by PenelopeLovegood
Summary: Sheldon comes across an erotic novel that slowly changes his views on coitus.
1. The Bus Pants Analysis

The Literary Smut Paradigm

* * *

"You know what I don't understand?" asked Raj as he picked at his beef stroganoff. "Why doesn't Magneto just come out of the closet? I mean, he's so obviously gay."

"What? How did you come to that conclusion?" asked Leonard, his brows scrunched in his signature furrow.

"Yeah, that seems pretty ludicrous," agreed Howard.

"He's an old bachelor that doesn't date women, despite how powerful and awesome he is. He and Professor Xavier have a _'long history' _together, and speaking of, Professor X had to use a wheelchair after Magneto _'drove a spike' _into his back? Dude, he's like the Dumbledore of Marvel." Leonard opened his mouth to argue, but found nothing to say. He turned to Howard who was looking at Raj with complete disbelief as Raj ate at his stroganoff. Leonard decided to just move on.

"Anyways, where is Sheldon? It's lunchtime and I don't want him to miss lunch. You know how cranky he gets if his eating schedule gets messed up," said Leonard. Raj rolled his eyes.

"He's arguing with Professor Gablehauser about why the university is cutting down his budget."

"Oh great they're making cuts again? This means we're going to have to do another one of those fundraisers again soon."

"Looking forward to it?" asked Howard, waggling his eyebrows. "I guess the bar scene has been pretty unforgiving to you lately. I'm sure Mrs. Latham told all her friends about you." He and Raj giggled.

"Yeah, I'm sure she wrote your name on the walls of the bathroom in the senior citizen's center!" Raj added.

"Haha," Leonard said sarcastically. "Seriously, though, I hate those things. It's so awkward and demeaning."

"He's just saying that because all those old ladies hit on him all night when we have fundraisers," said Howard.

"Can we please move on?" Leonard pleaded over their laughter. "Halo night is going to be so fun tonight with a cranky, underfed, under-budgeted Sheldon."

"We should let Penny be on his team. You know, just to throw him a bone."

"That's a very thoughtful idea, Raj," Leonard said, smiling.

"Too bad Penny hates being on Sheldon's team." Raj said, thinking out loud. "Talk about cranky."

"I just remembered! She's been on this juice cleanse for like a week and she has been so moody," Leonard added.

"Ah, Halo night is going to be so fun tonight with a cranky, underfed, underpaid Penny," quipped Howard.

"Come to think of it, I wouldn't want either of them on my team tonight," said Raj. The other two nodded.

* * *

The boys and Penny were all gathered in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Howard was passing out the Chinese food and was just about to get to the last of Sheldon's when he stopped, frozen like the Artic land in which they had spent an entire summer.

"Where's my low sodium soy sauce?" Sheldon asked when he had not received it in an acceptable time after receiving his diced chicken with brown rice.

"It's not here," said Howard, each word slowly falling out of his mouth like poisoned toads. Raj, Leonard, and Penny all looked up at him from their food boxes, and trays.

"What do you mean? I always eat my Chinese food with low sodium soy sauce!" said Sheldon.

"Well, it's not here," said Howard as he sat down. "Pass me the dumplings." Raj tried to do so, but Sheldon snapped at his hand with chopsticks like a takeout ninja when he reached for the dumplings.

"Howard, you know I cannot eat my food without my low sodium soy sauce."

"Here we go," said Leonard.

"Sheldon, sweetie, can't you just use regular soy sauce this one time?" asked Penny. She smiled at him, giving him her cute face. Sheldon turned his head towards Penny, giving her in turn, his infamous death look.

"_Sheldon, can't you just use regular soy sauce this one time?" _mimicked Sheldon, his shoulders hunched, and his face screwed up with disdain. _"Sheldon, can't we just try playing Halo on Friday night?" _Penny chewed at her lips.

" Sheldon, it's one time! We're just trying something different!" said Penny, obviously annoyed.

"Yeah, variety is the spice of life! Besides, we are still eating Chinese food like we do every Friday, aren't we?" said Leonard.

"Oh, are we?" Sheldon asked, his back ramrod straight, his normally heavy lidded eyes opened wide like a yellow rose of Texas in bloom. "_I'm _not eating Chinese food. _You four _are eating Chinese food. I'm eating dry, bland shredded chicken with khaki colored rice!" Sheldon was now standing up, hands flailing like a dying goldfish. He stomped away, heading towards the door.

"Wait. Where are you going?" asked Leonard, his brows scrunching up in concern.

"I'm going to get my low sodium soy sauce!" Sheldon slammed the door behind him. The three men and Penny sat in shocked silence.

"…How is he going to get to the store? He doesn't even have his bus pants on," said Raj.

* * *

It wasn't very hot or very cold in Pasadena this particular night. It was a quiet, contemplative sort of night. The kind of night when the world just lets Sheldon Cooper, PhD be. There was no need of a jacket, and lucky for Sheldon, too. He had left his on his computer chair. That wasn't like Sheldon at all. He always brought his jacket in case it got cold. His mother had told him to always bring a jacket when he left the house, and she only ever had to tell him the one time. He remembered it clearly. Sheldon sighed. He also had forgotten to wear his bus pants, the pants specially designated to be worn over his regular pants when he rode the bus. Now his plaid pants would be ruined. He would need to throw them away, or rather donate them to Goodwill. His mother also instilled in him a sense of charity growing up.

The bus pulled in and opened its doors to Sheldon. He got in, paid the machine the exact amount of change to ride and get a transfer to get home. He took a seat near the front, but not too near as they were clearly designated for the elderly, and the handicapped. The bus pulled out of the curb and Sheldon resigned himself to a wary bus ride, devoid of any thinking. That is exactly what Sheldon needed right now. He needed to turn his superbrain off, if just for an hour. This week had been especially trying for Sheldon. That fool, Gablehauser, had cut his budget in half, Halo night had been moved to better accommodate Penny, his low sodium soy sauce had been forgotten, Amy Farrah Fowler had tried to kiss him twice, he had not been able to relieve himself of his "primitive desires" since last month, and Raj had beaten him in a game of Chess with Friends. He had also heard that Leslie Winkle may be getting more funds for her budget! Sheldon rubbed his eyes and tried to concentrate on _not_ thinking. It was harder than he thought it would have been. How did Penny manage to do it on a daily basis?

The bus jerked forward and a previously unnoted book flopped off the seat beside him and landed onto the floor with a thud. Sheldon looked down and read the title written in silver, curvy lettering on the coverless, black bound hardcover book.

_Penny for Your Thoughts_

Sheldon picked up the book. He didn't know why, but he did. In the back of his mind he knew the book was probably infested with influenza, or small pox. He knew the floor was a bedpan of disease. He knew the whole bus was crawling with life threatening germs. Sheldon Cooper, PhD. wanted to shut off his brain, and so he manually overrode the program that ran that part of his hard drive and picked up the unassuming book.

It wasn't very thick, not like the physics books through which he normally perused. It wasn't very thin, either, not like the children's books he liked to read late at night when he couldn't get to sleep, or when he needed advice on how to deal with bullies or other social activities. Nor was it fragile like the comic books he so strived to keep mint. He didn't know what it was, but the book called to him. Not literally, of course. He wasn't crazy. His mother had him tested.

He opened the book to the title page. It was written by a Luna Black. Sheldon decided to open the book at a random spot and read one paragraph to judge if the book would be just enough drivel to shut off his brain, but not too much drivel that it would annoy him.

_He felt her nipples harden underneath his warm fingertips—_

Sheldon snapped the book shut. This was one of _those_ books. He had previously come across a book like this twice. The first was when Penny gave him one as a birthday gift. A sort of practical joke he did not find amusing and threw out as soon as she went home across the hall. The second at Amy's apartment, hidden underneath her couch cushion. There were miniature post its tabbing what Sheldon deduced were her "favorite" sections of the book. The first time he knew what kind of book it was based on the picture on the cover. The second time Amy had told him what kind of book it was when he had found it. Like this book, Amy's book had a simple, picture-less cover, and an unpretentious title. Perhaps this was the solution he needed. This was mindless enough to distract him, yet exciting enough to keep his attention. He certainly was intrigued by the book. Sheldon thought about it some more and sure enough he felt his pants tighten around the crotch area. It had been almost a month since he had masturbated, and he was just now drawing the conclusion from that to his increased irritability. Normally Sheldon would take care of his sexual desires three times a week in an efficient, speedy manner. This would ensure he not be distracted by such a primitive need like his friends; however hard he tried to prevent this very thing from happening, here he was: horny and annoyed, stuck on a bus on Friday night, low sodium soy sauce-less.

Sheldon sighed and gave in. He turned to chapter one.

* * *

Penny walked back to her apartment across the hall. She was done with this juice cleanse! The lack of food made her incredibly irritable, and she didn't like it. She decided to take the edge off her lousy week with a little "me time" as she referred to it. She hadn't had one in a while, and tonight seemed perfect.

She locked her door behind her and headed for her bedroom. It was late, but she wasn't tired. She turned on her laptop and brushed her teeth as it loaded. Penny mused about possibly getting a new one, as she bought this one almost five years ago, but she really didn't have the funds at the moment. She brushed her teeth and washed her face, her body already twenty times more relaxed than at any other time that week.

Penny went back to her laptop and checked the wifi connection out of habit. Sheldon hadn't changed the password yet this month! It was a sign from God that her week was finally turning around. She logged onto her email and clicked on the new mail she had received sometime during dinner. She hadn't stayed for _Halo _night. Truth be told she felt kind of bad about Sheldon leaving. She texted him before reading her new mail, and he replied he was already on his way home. Well, that was a relief.

_Penny!_

_I just met with the bigwigs upstairs and they want a sequel, ASAP! I am aiming for publication in three months. I know that seems fairly quick, but you've already built a fan base, and it's growing by word of mouth. I can't believe the amount of success you are achieving with your first ever novel. You should be really proud, Penny. I assume you will want to continue using your pen name? _

_By the way, don't forget to call that investment banker I told you about. You really need to do something with your money now that you have quite a little bundle, and it will only grow from here. I'll call you tomorrow to set up a meeting. Talk to you soon, Luna!_

_Best regards,_

_Justine_

Penny read the email two more times and sighed with relief. She tossed her head back and her body followed. She landed on her back, met by her new down comforter. It was really much too hot for it, but she had splurged on it. She had just gotten her first royalties check from her book last month and she went shopping after not touching the money for over a month. She wanted to make sure it was REALLY there. She wanted to have it be untouched just in case they wanted it back, whoever they were.

"Wow," she said aloud. "I wrote a freaking _book_!" Granted, she couldn't exactly tell anyone. She was proud, yet embarrassed all at the same time. Penny had not only written and published a book; she had written and published a _dirty_ book. _Erotica_, her editor had called it. _Smut_, she thought to herself. Well, she couldn't exactly phone home about it. But wow! She, Penny, had written a book all by herself. It had been a long week and she was ready to relax.

Penny pulled her copy of Penny for Your Thoughts out of her nightstand. She turned to chapter one and began to read, indulging herself in an old fantasy.


	2. The Laundry Room Catalyst

Sheldon ran up four flights of stairs to get to his apartment, reciting the elements on the periodic table. He made sure to take each step on the way, reciting one element per step as fast as he could. He fumbled with the lock and key, struggling to juggle the action with holding the black book, rounding the periodic table again. Finally, he managed to open his door and stampeded to his bedroom. Leonard, Howard, and Raj sat frozen at Sheldon's entrance and followed him with their eyes and necks as he ran and locked himself inside his bedroom shouting something about elements. After a short beat, they went back to howling at the game.

Sheldon stripped off his clothes as quick as a flash and sorted them into their appropriate laundry baskets. He wore only his bright tightey-whiteys, and white, grey toed socks. He plopped himself on his bed, taking the book with him.

_The water crashed down around her toes and it felt so good. She wobbled the knob like Lance showed her to make the shower turn on. The cool water splashed all over her, the cold causing her nipples to harden. Gwen let the water cool her body down. Her hands found their way to her plump breasts and she felt her nipples poking out. She closed her eyes and thought of her new neighbors. They were such nice guys, she could tell. The short one obviously had a little crush on her, but it was the tall one that caught her eye. Normally she liked the big, muscular type, but there was something smoldering about slender and intelligent. The water turned warm and Gwen's fingers found their way south. _

_ Right here? In her new neighbor's shower? There was something dangerous and hot about all this. She spread her legs and her fingers brushed her smooth lips. One finger slid to a more secret place, hot, wet flesh met her. Then a second finger joined, plunging deep inside her precious hole, in and out slowly. It had been too long since she had an orgasm. _

Sheldon swallowed a big lump in his throat. His brow was covered in a sheer layer of sweat. His hands were shaky as he pulled open the nightstand's drawer. He got out his lotion with pump action and placed it on the counter top. Sheldon pumped the lotion three times. He hungrily rubbed his fingers and palm together, spreading the lotion. He shimmied off his underwear and grasped his hard cock

"_Ah," Gwen moaned. She began to rub her now throbbing clitoris teasingly. She wanted to finish, but she knew to keep herself paced. Did Arthur, tall, dark eyed, and mysterious masturbate in this very shower? Gwen began to feel the familiar build up from down inside her very core and rubbed faster, mimicking her quickening heart rate. She was moaning a little louder now and rubbed her pussy until she came gloriously._.

Sheldon came without much warning. He shut his eyes and growled from deep in his chest. Calmness came down upon him like Batman on the dark streets of Gotham City. He was doused in sweat, and his breathing was haggard. His shoulders slumped as he fell backwards to his pillow. His eyes felt heavy as if his lids were made of lead instead of skin. A grin was plastered on his face as he drifted off while visions of a beautiful blond girl smiling danced in his head.

Penny's sinuses felt cleared, and her head felt light. Her muscles felt loose in her body. Her arm rested beside the hard book. Tomorrow she would start on her sequel. She already had a title picked out:

A Nickel's Worth 

She began to think of her characters, and into what kind of smutty trouble she could get them. She had left off the last book with Arthur and . . . Maybe this time Gwen instead would . . . They would definitely have to . . . Yeah, right on the bus . . . Better yet, the laundry room . . . Laundry's piling up . . . Clean underwear? . . Oops . . . At least tomorrow is laundry night . . . Definitely the laundry room . . .That could be quite inspiring.

Sheldon woke up in the middle of the night. He felt relaxed. He had deprived his body far too long of a biological necessity. He looked around felt the familiar twinge of needing to clean up. He was in his day clothes, unzipped and unbuttoned. The lotion was all over his clothes and his sheets were ruffled. Sheldon got up and began to change.

The laundry room was deserted at this time. Well, it should have been.

"Penny?" Sheldon asked. She almost fell on her face. She had been sitting on the washing machine and Sheldon assumed he startled her. "Why are you sitting on the machine? That's not what it's for. A chair is for sitting." He signaled to the chair in the corner. At first Penny had a pink blush across her face, but now she narrowed her eyes and lips at him. Sheldon headed to the free machine and began to load it.

"What are you doing here?" Penny asked, taking the seat on the chair.

"Well, I was holding a basket full of clothes, and brought it into a laundry room, with a box of detergent and a roll of quarters. Putting all these facts together, one can assume I may be here to do a load of laundry." Penny rolled her eyes at Sheldon's back. When he finished, Sheldon walked up to Penny. "You're in my spot."

"What?"

"You're in my spot. The blue chair is the chair in which I sit. There's a red chair over there in which you can sit." Sheldon crossed his hands in front of him.

"Well, tell you what, honey. Tonight you can sit in the red chair!" Sheldon narrowed his eyes at her obvious sarcasm. He was getting better and better at spotting it. Sheldon heaved his chest, but decided not to argue further. He grabbed the red chair from the corner and set it next to Penny. She eyed him suspiciously. "Why are you in such a good mood?"

"Am I?" Sheldon thought for a moment. "I don't know."

"Geez, if I didn't know better I would think you got laid," said Penny. She grabbed a magazine from the shelf next to her. Penny flipped through the pages absent mindedly, her real thoughts on the ache she felt between her legs. Sheldon would scold her and probably follow her to her apartment if she left her clothes in the washing machine. Deciding to do some laundry late at night for inspiration was a good idea, the only thing was the inspiration hit her imagination and her libido. Penny unconsciously crossed her legs and began to fidget in her seat.

"Sheldon?" Penny asked.

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"I suppose you can."

"What turns on someone like you?" Sheldon's face immediate turned scarlet. This made Penny's lip curl. "Just out of curiosity. I mean, I know you try to be above all those primitive human needs, but Leonard's told me you have to give in to your 'biological human suit'."

"I don't think this is a very appropriate conversation!" Penny laughed at how red Sheldon's face was turning.

"I mean, do you like blonde girls? Asians, girl on girl, threesomes? Or maybe you have some sort of hidden fetish?" Sheldon looked like a deer caught in headlights. Penny leaned in closer to Sheldon and whispered in his ear, purposely blowing into it first. "What do you fantasize about, Sheldon? Do you ever think of me?" She grazed he lower lip against the outline of his ear. Sheldon jumped at the contact. Penny bit her lower lip and stared up at Sheldon with her most ridiculous innocent look, even pulling at her hair and twisting it around her finger. Penny noted that he had a frightened look on her face, but from the corner of her eye, she could also see the obvious tent he was making under his plaid pajamas. Penny squeezed her thighs and ran one finger down the trail of her cleavage.

"I have to go now, Penny!" Sheldon ran off. Penny laughed.

"Alone at last." Penny closed the laundry room door and locked it. She took her previous seat on the bucking washing machine and spread her legs. She slid her hand beneath her cotton pajama pants and felt her slickness. She knew what she did was bad, and regrettable in the morning, but for tonight she was going to ride this bad wave all the way to the end.

Sheldon caught his breath at the second floor. His erection could not be ignored, and there was only enough blood in his body to fuel one of his heads. He came back down to the laundry room and found the door shut. He pressed his ear against the door (as much as he could without actually making contact with the door) and heard moaning. He eavesdropped on Penny until she finished, screaming against her presumable climax. Sheldon raced upstairs and replayed the scene from the laundry room, coming for the second time in the last few hours.

Author's Note: Thanks for the support! I appreciate all of it.


End file.
